Renaud the Runaway

Renaud the Runaway is this first episode from season 1 of The Renaud Show. In this episode, Renaud tries to run away from the cops after they find his 4 TB hard drive full of CP.

Transcript
(The episode begins with Renaud turning on a tripod camera in a room)

Renaud: Hello, kiddies, and welcome to CPTV! I hope one day we can meet so our genitals can meet and have a happy family. On today’s edition of CP and Why It Doesn’t Stand for Club Penguin, I have a baby doll to demonstrate.

(The camera pans over to a naked baby doll)

Renaud: Y’know, I’ve never actually given a baby a blowjob before, so this’ll be a first. Here goes....

(As Renaud inhales to prepare for the action, he hears a loud knock on the door)

Renaud: Ugh, who could it be this time? If it’s the mailman, you’re too old for me!

Police officer: Open the door!

Renaud: Sure, whatever. (whispering) I always have a backup plan.

(The police officer breaks down the door)

Renaud: Okay that was unexpected.

Police officer: Freeze, criminal!

Renaud: Actually I'm a pedophile. Why are you at my house this time?

Police officer: Don’t act as if that hard drive on your table doesn’t exist.

Renaud: This thing? It can only hold 4 terabytes, nowhere near enough to store CP!

Police officer: Don’t play dumb with me. Now, come out with your hands up!

Renaud: (putting his hands up) I'm bisexual!

(Renaud then sprints towards a window, opens it, and jumps through it.

Police officer: Why can't I ever have a normal day?

(The police officer follows Renaud through the open window)

Renaud: You'll never catch me, copper!

(Renaud then trips on a rake, which flips up on him)

Renaud: STUPID FUCKING HOES!

Random dad: Sounds like my daughter.

Renaud: Did someone say daughter?

Random dad: Weirdo.

Police officer: I gotcha now, Renaud! (he tries to put handcuffs on Renaud, but he slips away just in time to avoid being handcuffed) This makes me want to say slurs.

Renaud: I knew having sex with underage kids would pay off someday!

Police officer: You're in even more trouble now, Mr. Renaud.

Renaud: Catch me if you can, motherfucker!

(Renaud then jumps over a fence, and he ends up in the random dad’s backyard)

Random dad: Hey aren't you the guy who said something about hoes?

Renaud: Aren't you the guy who mentioned having a daughter? How old is she?

Random dad: Why would you want to-?

(The police officer is seen breaking through the fence, and Renaud quickly hopes over a nearby fence to escape the dad’s yard. The police officer soon follows)

Random dad: I know I wanna get rid of my daughter somehow, but I'm not THAT desperate.

Daughter: Dad, what the fuck? You’re ditching me?

Random dad: I prefer to call it extremely belated abortion.

(Cut to Renaud running along the sidewalk and the officer chasing him. They dodge several obstacles such as a fire hydrant, a small pool, dog poop, and even a bear)

Bear: I'm from the Cleveland Show’s theme song, don't think about it too hard.

Renaud: (starting to pant) I can't keep this up forever!

Police officer: Good, because I CAN!

Renaud: If I get caught, just remember to feed Brian!

(Back at the Renaud household, where famous dog Brian is looking out the window)

Brian: I haven't seen any squirrels lately. That's a shame.

Random squirrel: (running) Gotta get to school! Can’t disappoint my parents for the ninety-sixth time in a row…

Brian: JACKPOT!

(Brian breaks through the glass window and captures the squirrel. Cut to a sex dungeon inside of Renaud’s basement where the squirrel is being tied to a chair)

Brian: You know what comes next…

Random squirrel: Death?

Brian: Even worse…

(Cut to the entrance to the basement, and the squirrel starts screaming intensely as moaning sounds can be head)

Brian: I love my life.

(Cut back to Renaud running away from the officer)

Police officer: He can go and die for all I care.

Renaud: But he takes such good care of those squirrels in my yard!

Police officer: Yeah, last time he got caught doing that he got a whole year in obedience school.

Renaud: One whole year of hell, I must say!

(The police officer once again tries to handcuff Renaud, but to no avail)

Police officer: Damn it. There’s gotta be something else in my pocket that I can use. (he rummages around in his pocket and finds a taser) A-ha!

Renaud: Oh god oh fuck

(The officer tases Renaud, leaving him stunned on the ground)

Police officer: Nice try, Mr. MAP. (he successfully puts handcuffs on Renaud)

Renaud: Not if I have anything to say about it. (he somehow slips out of the handcuffs) I’m telling you, having sex this often has its advantages! I’m fit as fuck!

(Renaud then runs away, leaving the officer stunned)

Police officer: (on a walkie talkie) Yeah, we got a runaway. Yes, it’s Renaud again. Yes, I know my salary will be cut in half again. For god’s sake, I have three children and a wife at home!

Renaud: Sucker. He better not suck any kiddies tonight, ‘cause that’s what I’m about to do!

(Police sirens can be heard in the distance)

Renaud: Oh shit they’re back already.

Other police officer: Stop, pedophile!

Renaud: NEVER!

Police officer: I don’t think this is working out, Jacob.

Other other police officer: I didn’t know your name was Jacob.

Jacob: Blame my parents.

Other other other police officer: Bruh my name is literally Herbert.

Renaud: Hey I know someone named Herbert! Swell guy.

Police officer: Shut up, you’re being chased right now.

Renaud: Oh right.

(Renaud jumps over another fence, which happens to be to his own house)

Other police officer: Heh, we got him now.

(Renaud puts on a smug face as he jumps through a window back into his house. He then flips a light switch, which happens to be a secret lever, as the tile below him slides away, letting Renaud fall into his basement)

Renaud: Ah, home sweet home. I see you’re at it again, Brian. That’s only the third time this week. Something going on?

Brian: AHH! Yeah, uh, I’ve been a bit… distracted.

(A flashback of Brian wanking to pictures of underage animals on r34 is shown)

Renaud: You know that reality is better than fantasy!

The police officers break down Renaud’s door again, and search all over the house for him.

Police officer: I’m not seeing that creep anywhere.

Other police officer: Me neither. I swear, this guy’s like a ninja sometimes.

Other other police officer: Renaud’s the official CEO of CPTV, what’d you expect?

Other police officer: I thought he was the CEO of pedophilia.

Other other police officer: Same thing.

Renaud: Heheh, no slammer for this guy.

Police officer: Did anyone hear that?

Other police officer: Yeah, it came from down there.

Police officer: Break it down, boys!

(The officers all start beating up the floor with their batons, and eventually break through the floor and into Renaud’s basement)

Renaud: Damn it, I thought I had that floor reinforced. Note to self: never let a fifteen year old do construction work for sex.

Police officer: Freeze, pedophile!

(Renaud tries to run away, but one of the police officers beat him to the point of passing out. The police officers carry him out of the house and into the back of a police car.)

Brian: NOO!!! Who’s gonna give me pedo advice now?

Herbert: Hey there kiddo.

Brian: I’m 56 in dog years, now shut up.

(Cut to Renaud in a prison jail cell, where he is sitting on the toilet)

Warden: You get one phone call, Mr. Renaud.

Renaud: That works, I guess.

(Renaud dials a number on the phone, and a familiar friend picks up)

Biden: Renaud! What’s up, my man?

Renaud: Yeah, hi. Listen, buddy, I’m in prison again.

Biden: Again? Damn, there goes your one year no prison streak. I’ll pardon you at once!

Renaud: Great! Bye. (hangs up)

Biden: Us pedos have to stick together.

(Biden then sniffs Harris’ hair)

Biden: Yuck, why does it smell like panties?

(end)